Laid-Less in Seattle

(This is a Tacky Smutty Rant)

(You have been warned!)

Cast of Big Bang Theory

One of the more unusual tropes TV and movies is the character or characters who do not have sex. Thus I use the term Laid - less; i.e., they don't get laid - have sex.

Usually such characters are male, and surprisingly rare female. Why this is so is a bit of a mystery but may in part be explained by the various patriarchal norms of our society which push and praise men for being sexually adventuress and do not do the same for women. Certainly  there seems to be an expectation that men will and must really want sex. That this is a bit much is of course obvious.

Now a Laid - Less character can be divided into several types.

Classic Laid - Less.

This character constantly thinks about sex, centers his life around his quest for sex, or more specifically for a cunt he can shoot his load into; although a mouth or ass will probably do.

To this character, almost always male, women are simply holes for him to fill with his jizz and morning, noon and night he is constantly on the lookout for such holes to fill. Basically to this character women are masturbation machines to wrap around his dong to get him off and they exist solely for that purpose. 

Another characteristic of this trope is the acres and acres of whining that the character engages in about his lack of sex. Whining about why don't women want to fuck with him. What is also characteristic of this type of character is the vast sense of entitlement. Such characters believe that they are entitled too and deserve sex with "hot" women and a vast disservice is being done against them when they don't get sex with "hot" women.

A key point here is that the women must be "hot"; incredibly attractive. Women who are not "hot" can be ignored, and / or denigrated. It is "I deserve hot women!". Why? Well because I am a man and if I want something I deserve it and I only want to fuck with "hot" women. 

In this scenario the character does not look at himself and see if the problem is at least partly with himself and then work on changing his attitude and / or behavior. The character "knows" he doesn't have to do a thing, he is entitled to sex with "hot" women and he doesn't or should not have to make any effort at all. And if he fails - well the problem is that the women don't understand him, like him and their just, dumb, evil, bitches etc. You see - he doesn't have to do anything he is just entitled and having to do anything is just not in the cards and of course monumentally unfair.

Allied with this the character is frequently not even remotely, "hot" charming, bright or even moderately entertaining. Frequently the character is, stupid, not good looking, a boor, bastard, creep, boring, a poor dresser etc., and yet still feels absolutely entitled to sex with "hot" women. The fact "hot" women may prefer "hot" men is often characterized as just so unfair. Why? Well who really cares what women want?!

A classic series of examples of the laid - less character was the show The Big Bang Theory. The four leads during the earlier seasons were Laid - Less. Only three were however Classic Laid - Less. Sheldon was indeed Laid - Less but not terribly interested in sex and basically could careless. The other three, Raj, Leonard and Howard were utterly obsessed with filling women's cunts with their dicks, constantly whining about not getting laid and thinking of women has masturbation machines and feeling a vast sense of entitlement to have sex with "hot" women, which they no doubt felt was their "right". 

To them women were simply objects, holes to be filled. They engaged, especially Howard, in all sorts of creepy, entitled behavior. Neighbour Penny, (The local "hot" woman.), was the frequent object of their lust, attempts to manipulate and otherwise be the series of holes they wanted to fill.

Thus 3 of the leads on The Big Bang Theory, were for the earlier seasons classic entitled incels, who felt they were entitled and deserved sex with "hot" women; such women were conceived has basically little more than masturbatory envelopes to be filled by their penises until they ejaculate.

A further example of the entitled laid less character is Fez from That Seventies Show. In episode after episode he whines to just about everyone about his perpetual case of blue balls and his desperate need to fuck a woman. He went around constantly looking for a hole to fill with his raging hardon. But of course the hole he had to fill had to be a "hot" woman. Nothing else would do.

Most of his dialogue seemed to consist of endless complaining about his need to fuck and women were just holes for him to stick his dick in until he came. On That Seventies Show he was constantly surrounded by "hot" women who he felt owed him a fuck, for it was the only reason they seemed to exist for him. In the show Fez was apparently never told to shut up about his perpetual blue balls, told to masturbate or simply hire a sex worker. Instead his incessant whining and writhing about his blue balls was sadly tolerated, when his balls and cock should have been cut off and stuffed down his throat until he died putting an end to the torment of his friends. Just another entitled incel. 

Who cares Laid - Less

There is of course, although far rarer in media, the laid less character who just doesn't give a shit about sex. 

Two classic examples of Who cares Laid - Less are Sheldon and Amy. For them the constant obsession with sex of three of the leads is utterly pathetic and absurd, which it most definitely is. Now of course eventually two of the blue balled, constantly whining about sex, and their need for hot cunt, incel pieces of garbage eventually get the cunts they needed to stuff, mainly because they are so pathetic in their never ending search for hole.

Sheldon is of course an entitled asshole, who uses his high intelligence as a get out of jail card constantly, in order to excuse and evade the consequences of his obnoxious, rude, exploitive and narcissistic behavior, but at least he is not a incel, constantly whining about his PDS, (Pussy Deficit Syndrome).

Amy, his soul mate, is fortunately not the entitled asshole that Sheldon is, and unlike Penny, and Bernadotte she is not there simply to provide a flesh envelope for Sheldon's deprived cock. She actually is a companion to Sheldon not just a hole to fill.

Unlike the classic Laid - Less the Who cares Laid - Less do not center their lives around sex and filling holes, or finding something to fill their hole. They actually have lives ands interests outside of sex and do not suffer from PDS, or DDS. (Dick Deficit Syndrome.) They have better things to do than obsess over sex and their poor deprived privates. They can take sex or leave it. 

The Fake Laid - Less

This is the character who whines about, being alone, not having sex, while at the same time having lots of actual sex and basically nothing to complain about.

A classic example of this type is George from Seinfeld. This character whines a lot about his lack of a girlfriend and acts often like he is so sex deprived, i.e., Laid - Less. In actuality George had plenty of girlfriends, (More then Jerry.), and so had many cunts to envelope his lonely, starved cock, and fill willing cunts with his jizz.

So why the whining? Here again it is entitlement syndrome. George feels he is entitled to have sex with lots and lots of Women, (Hot Women only of course. The fact George isn't remotely hot is irrelevant of course.), and poor George isn't getting all the sex with hot Women he "deserves". All of this is his point of view. Women exist for him has flesh envelopes to enclose his throbbing cock and bring him to a climax, and unfairly not enough hot Women are doing that for him, because only his needs matter. 

It is once again incel like behavior

Then there is the Asshole / Hate Full Bitch Laid - Less.

This is the individual whose suffering from PDS and DDS is such that they take out their lack of dick or cunt by being insufferable assholes etc., to everyone. Their hatefulness literally screams "I need DICK!", I need CUNT!". This character type is pretty much a stereotype, often in the portrayal of older women, or women who had never been married, (Old Maids.), whose lack of sex supposedly made them angry, bitter and very, very hateful.

An excellent example of the sexually frustrated, bitter, hateful asshole is the character Blanche on the British soap Coronation Street. In the show she was an angry hateful, bitter old crone from hell. When she discussed or mentioned the sexual deeds, or misdeeds of her neighbours came up, in all her judgmental screeds of righteous anger was the all to obvious jealousy and rage that her cunt was not enclosing dick and squeezing jizz out of it during a awesome climax. And of course that her mouth and ass was not also enclosing a throbbing dick to a creamy, satisfying ending.

A variation of the above is Asshole etc., Laid - Less who is getting plenty of sex but it is not the "right" sex or with the "right" person so the Laid - Less despite getting plenty of sex is as bitter, hateful and all round horrible as the Asshole etc., because they are not getting what they really want and think they deserve.

The classic example of the above is Marie Barone from the sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond. 

Despite the fact Marie as a awesome amount of hate sex with her husband Frank, she still acts like a truly hateful, horrible succubus from hell, like she is very, very sexually frustrated and suffering severely from DDS. Given that she has a far from incidental sex life - what gives?

Well it is sort of obvious. Marie's relationship with her son Raymond is emotionally incestuous and he is very much a "Mommy's Boy". So what does that mean. Well she hates and despises Debra, Raymond's wife, because Debra took her son away from her, when she, Marie, should be the only woman in Raymond's life. Marie emotionally feels she is Raymond's true wife, lover etc. Of course Marie consciously would deny this, but her "true" love is Raymond and Frank is a poor substitute.

Marie thus desires that Raymond's dick be enclosed by her cunt, that her ass and mouth receive and swallow Raymond's dick. That Raymond fill her with load after load of his jizz. Marie is, in effect, deeply frustrated, sexually, because she is not fucking her son.   

The defining characteristic of the Laid - Less character trope is a serious obsession with sex, or perhaps more accurately an obsession with the lack of sex to the point of near or actual derangement. Such characters, think constantly about sex, talk about it endlessly to everyone in the whole world, morning, noon and night, and if they are not, frequently, taking out their lack of sex, by being annoying, bitter assholes from hell.

Cast of That Seventies Show.

    

Perry Mason

God’s Son Incarnate

Raymond Burr has
Perry Mason

Between 1957 and 1966 there appeared on American TV screens the legal drama Perry Mason.1 The show was hugely popular and had a very long life in syndication. The series has not aged well however and it shows its age quite plainly. I mentioned Perry Mason in a previous posting2, in passing; here I will go through some of the aspects of the show.

A Silly Series of Lists

Part 1

Last year Entertainment Weekly published a special issue called The 100 All-Time Greatest. The issue was composed of several lists, of “Best” movies, TV shows, music, plays and novels.1 Now to be blunt top 100 lists are basically usually little more than indication of personal taste. And this magazine of lists is little better than that.

The Stoned Nailmaker’s

“Jump the Shark Page” Post Part IV 

 

Cast of Full House

31,       Full House.  Michelle has played by the Olson Twins was a crime against humanity for which the parents deserve to be tied up and forced to watch episodes until their brains leak out  through their ears.  After Michele was no longer so “cute” (another word for vomitus and vile) they introduced “cute” twins to further torture the audience of this “entertainment”.  People involved in Full House went on to do America’s Funniest Home Videos, and other abominations.  This show didn’t just jump the shark from day one it was a maggot ridden, fungi infested Hollywood bowel movement product from the moment it was conceived of.

The Stoned Nailmaker’s
“Jump the Shark" Page Post Part III

In two previous postings1 I listed 10 TV shows in each and my opinion of when they “jumped the shark”. Here are ten more.

“High Concept”

In the 1960’s there emerged in movie / TV land the concept of “High Concept”, this was the idea that TV and movie shows had to have a single simple concept in order to hook in the viewer.

The end result of this as been an enormous amount of sheer crap and nonsense and in many respects a serious dumbing down of popular entertainment.

Why so? Because anything complex was deemed not to be simple enough and therefore had to be avoided at all costs. One of the further results was that it was so much simpler to rip off ideas that already had been shown to work than to think of new ideas. Creativity or being difficult is just too much of a bore so let’s avoid it.

Let’s now go into examples of “High Concept” idiocy.

From game shows we have three examples:

1, The Price is Right. This show simply involves people guessing the prices of items and those getting closest, (without going over), winning some rather over priced merchandise. Now basically the show was nothing more than a one hour commercial for merchandise, during which there were gaps for more commercials. It was watched mainly to see people go nuts winning a new washer or having a multiple orgasm on stage winning a new living room set. The show was frankly terminally boring only the fact that Bob Barker was basically a class act as host made it even remotely more than complete crap.

2, Wheel of Fortune. Watching that wheel go round while contestants have withdrawal symptoms from forgetting to take their tranquilizers while air head in chief Vanna White, who at first turned and later touches letters so they appear, is a nice way to induce a coma. The show is indeed simple and it is also relentlessly boring. It is basically MacDonald’s food, full of fat, sugar and starch and virtually nothing nutritious.

3. Deal or No Deal. Probably the most boring game show ever. With its metal cases containing money and contestants making dull exchanges of one case for another. The show requires no ability on the part of contestants and no thought on the part of the watcher. Of course it is fun to watch germaphobe Howie Mandel cringe whenever a contestant tries to hug him. This is a show where basically nothing happens.

One can contrast this with Jeopardy! A game show that actually requires real skills and knowledge. In this case it is a show that requires you to know an enormous amount of trivia. Of course you must frame your answers in the form of a question. The show is enormously popular world wide. So I guess that sometimes people want something challenging occasionally.

From sitcoms here are three examples.

1, Webster. A show about a white couple who adopted an adorable black kid. The show was an obvious rip-off of the show Different Strokes. With Emmanuel Lewis, playing Gary Coleman. Like Different Stokes the show had an adorable character played by a real life midget with a disability that helped render him “cute”. The “High Concept” was not just the blatant rip-off but the centering of the show around a “cute” atrocity to bring in the mindless. The scripts lived down to the mindless idiocy of the idea.

2, Friends. A Seinfeld rip-off. Instead of having four wastes of space whine about nothing for thirty minutes this show had six wastes of space whine about nothing for thirty minutes. Of course the “High Concept” is six beautiful, but vapid, things complain about stupid shit.

3, Family Affair. A sitcom from the sixties. In it three lovable waifs are raised by their uncle after their parents have been killed off. At the time this was a common concept in TV land. Mad Magazine actually did a parody called Familar Affair. It was also beautifully boring. In an era where you couldn’t have a divorced woman in a sitcom you could kill off parents and stick children with relatives who barely knew them. Well whatever.

In contrast there are shows like The Dick Van Dyke Show which centered around a man working on a comedy show as a writer and his family. It was funny and it enabled the writers to poke fun at TV.

Now for some so-called Dramas.

1, The Big Valley. A western from the 60’s with Barbara Stanwyk. Instead of having a drama about a widower and his sons in the old west like Bonanza, we have a drama about a widow and her sons in the old west. Yup ripping off an idea that works is so much better than thinking up your own.

2, NCIS. Also known as CSI in the Navy. In both shows a group of eccentric investigators led by a semi-basket case, using cutting edge near perfect forensic technology, much of which does not exist in the real world, along with kicking ass, which forensic pathologists would not do in real life; solve crime after crime in a few days. Of course all DNA tests take a few hours at most. Basically it is police forensic work as fantasy and magic. Of course rather than have NCIS do anything that is real it like CSI takes refugee in delusions of omniscience. Of course ripping CSI adds one more degree of “High Concept” to an already “High Concept” notion.

3. BJ and the Bear. A show about a trucker and his pet chimpanzee. The gimmick is of course the cute chimp; which is also what sells the show. This shows “High Concept” and selling point was how “cute” the Chimp was. Things like plot, acting etc., were of course not important.

Showing that shows didn’t have to be mindless or simple minded there was Hill Street Blues. This was a cop show with a difference complete with multiple story lines and gritty realism it lasted for years and got ripped-off a lot but still remains one of the best shows ever on TV.

Movies.

Star Wars. The ultimate “High Concept” movie a fairly simple good versus evil story complete with simple-minded dialogue and cardboard characters etc. The show concentrated on action and effects, acting and script were secondary. It was still a lot of fun however. Unfortunately ripped off endlessly by other people. The movie started the trend to have movies concentrate on being huge blockbusters, with lots of action and huge amounts of special effects and serious dumbing down. Just how much the dumbing down had progressed can be seen in the three Star Wars prequels which are basically nothing more that special effect rides designed to dazzle the viewer and hide the glaring defects with script, acting and dialogue.

The Flintstones. A live action cartoon coming from the trend of making movies out of old TV shows. This is another “High Concept” idea. It avoids the terrible trauma of actually thinking of anything new by simply and mindlessly copying an old TV show. In this case it was a live action version of a cartoon show. Not surprisingly it was a disaster in virtually all respects.

Forest Gump. Here the “High concept” wasn’t the originating idea but what they did with it. In this case what they did was take a cynical black comic novel and turn it into a festival of mindless nostalgia and patriotism. The “High Concept” comes clearly in the movies motto which is the mindless feel good banality “My mother always told me ‘life is like a box of chocolate; you never know what your going to find inside”; which is the movie’s version of the following line from the book, “Life is no box of chocolate when your born a retard!”. Thinking that audiences would be unable to take the originating novel’s black comic tone and style they turned it into a “High Concept” bit of feel good schmaltz, with a mega dose of saccharine.

A completely movie is Fargo which is anything but simple minded and involves complex acting, plot and characterization. It makes demands on the viewers and is also both black and comic. Such details as making the Sheriff 8 months pregnant and deliberately leaving loose ends that are NOT cleared up make this movie anything but "High Concept”. The fact that the “Climax” of this movie is most deliberately very anti-climatic is also another violation of the “High Concept” ethos.

In the end the idea of “High Concept” is in the end a refugee from real work on creativity and a escape into easy solutions. It is further based on the idea that people cannot tolerate anything different or difficult. It is also simply cowardly.

Pierre Cloutier

The Stoned Nailmaker’s
“Jump the Shark Page” Post Part II

In a previous posting I listed 10 TV shows and my opinion of when they “jumped the shark”. Here are 10 more.

11, Absolutely Fabulous. The Fourth Season. After using the concept of just 3 seasons of 6 episodes each and working together a satisfactory, even brilliant, story arch about our two drug-ridden, drunken pieces of garbage, the creators decide to go to the cash cow two more times. Sorry it didn’t work from the first “Darling”. The fact is the antics of two middle aged narcissistic alcoholic potheads can get very tedious. My favorite character was the very practical Saffron who could barely tolerate her hideous mother Edina.

Scene from Absolutely Fabulous

12, The Honeymooners. A show which had the good sense not to go on forever and thus did not “jump the shark”. A truly amazing piece of TV history. Proof that mass entertainment doesn’t have to be stupid. Endlessly ripped off by far less creative people terrified of new ideas and thus attracted to necrophilia. The most common rip-off is the wacky next door neighbour Ed Norton; see Kramer. (Like Jerry Seinfeld and TV executives). I should mention that I adore this show even though I dislike Jackie Gleason quite intensely.

Scene From The Honeymooners

13, I Love Lucy. A show that stayed on a generally high note for its entire run. Watching episodes of I Love Lucy and then Leave it to Beaver is shocking. It is hard to believe that they were made at the same time! However a decline started with Lucy and Rickie going to California. From then on the show increasingly depended on guests and gimmicks and started to lose its edge. For example virtually the entire Ricardo’s visit Europe series was one very long exercise in self indulgence.

Cast of I Love Lucy

14, Married with Children. The only thing that keeps this show from being a “in the Toilet from day one show” is that it was deliberately and relentlessly horrid and totally without pretentiousness. The regulars worked real hard to be horrible and they were! So Married with Children was very much a guilty pleasure. The show started downhill when they introduced Seven a cute eight year old for part of one season. The introduction of “family values” fatally damaged the hideous ambiance of the show. The show had the distinction of being considered through most of its runs one of the most tasteless, crude pieces of trash on TV, but at least it was not pretentious, unlike Seinfeld.

Cast of Married With Children

15, Bonanza. One of the “essential” TV westerns, complete with hackneyed plots in an ersatz west. It definitely had a certain charm. Show started to decline when Parnell Roberts as the eldest son, (who had an attitude problem) left leaving the field to the fat guy and the goody-good younger son. I don’t know about you but Michael Landon especially when he was later incarnated into the prefect father, Little House on the Prairie, and then an angel in Highway to Heaven was very annoying. Also the repeated use of the same shots of them riding around got stale fast.

Cast of Bonanza

16, My Mother the Car. Another Hollywood abortion. Who thought this idea would work? Only TV executives who can seem to be amazingly clueless. Moment it went downhill, when we realize that our “hero’s” mother was reincarnated in a car. (Idea brought to us by cowardly 60’s TV executives). Yes it is hard to believe that this show was for real, and lasted for ONE full season of 30 episodes before it was killed by lethal injection. The “star” of the show took well over a decade to have his carrier recover from this fiasco. (He stared as the lead in Coach)

Scene from My Mother the Car

17, Get Smart. A totally in your face farce on spying. With the wonderful Don Adams and the underrated Barbara Feldon as the wondrous 99. You have to have a high tolerance for blunt slapstick and really bad puns to like this one. Decline began when Max and 99 decide to get married. The tension between the intelligent 99 and the really stupid Max (Agent 86) was lost forever. They also had twins. There were attempts latter on to create sequels to the show. The less said the better about those “efforts”.

Scene from Get Smart

18, The John Larroquette Show. After a really great first season which played up the story of a man who had wreaked his and other peoples lives through his alcoholism trying to get back up and out of the pit he dug for himself. Then the network decides to “improve” the show by giving John a new apartment and to really downplay the “downer” aspects of the show. The result was another sitcom full of “characters” with no depth. Under the shows “new” “improved” direction the main characters drinking problems and literary interests largely disappeared from the plots of the episodes making the show just another generic sitcom. The show survived the mutilation for a couple of years but was unwatchable.

Cast of John Larroquette Show

19, Keeping up Appearances. A show with one of the most horrid TV characters ever created, the infamous Hyacinth Bucket. A snob, social climber to the nth degree. The show was very funny and creative but decline it did. I never quite figured how her and her husband could have had a son? How could anyone or anything have sex with Ms. Bouquet? Yuck at the thought!! The show did not “jump the shark” at any one moment but more or less did so gradually as the audience wonders why no one has told that “bitch” off or at least shot her to death. (A Judge would have considered it a mercy killing). My favorite character was Ms. Bouquet’s brother in law Onslow, who would lie in bed and read books about such things as quantum mechanics. Onslow also quite rightly realized what a curse Hyacinth is.

Scene from Keeping Up Appearances

20, The Dukes of Hazzard. A definite Hollywood blackhead filled with infested rotting pus. How this made it on the air let alone lasted 6 years is inexplicable and a possible proof that TV executives are indeed in league with Satan. Another show that started in the tank and stayed there only to became infested with fungi. Turning point came when the two leads were temporarily replaced revealing that the best actor in the series was indeed the car the General Lee. The show consisted of the Dukes getting in their car being chased, getting out of their car, getting back in their car, being chased, and repeat and repeat. The show also was “notable” for showing both front and back cleavage, (Daisy Duke). The show spawned (Yep that’s the word), a number of even more horrid spin-offs that are now hopefully forgotten.

Cast of The Dukes of Hazzard
Pierre Cloutier

The Stoned Nailmaker's
“Jump the shark” Post, Part One

The following is my list of the moments at which TV shows began that slide to sucksville. The opinions are entirely my own of course.

Happy Days

This show was more accurately described by MAD Magazine as Crappy Days gave us the phrase “jump the shark”, referring to that horrid, brain-cell killing episode when the “Fonz” jumps over a shark while driving a motorcycle. I disagree. The moment came when after they raped, mutilated and murdered an idea of a series taking place in the fifties, they went further and decided to make the “Fonz” really “cool” thus elevating awesome stupidity and ignorance into “cool”. Defining Episode the “Fonz” doing Hamlet. (The Bard would have killed himself if he Had not already been dead.)

Cast of Happy Days

The Beverly Hillbillies

This show is an example of TV thinking during the sixties. Basically a bunch of “city slickers” decide to make fun of country people by portraying them has stupid and ignorant. An example of urban contempt for country life. The show started in the toilet and went down from there. When the show went off the air Time magazine said it was “the best indication of an improvement in network taste”. Defining moment when Granny thought that Elle-Mae was marrying a real “frog” and would have little “tadpoles”.

Cast of The BeverlyHillbillies

Cheers.

Diana leaving. Afterwards it became obvious what a bunch of worthless, contemptible losers the regulars were. The sort of people you would see bleeding to death on the road and leave to die without a moment’s hesitation. The Diana character was irritating and annoying but not contemptible; when she left the total uselessness of the other regulars became all too apparent. Cheers started the trend on American sitcoms of having vile, worthless regulars the viewer could feel superior too and contemptuous of.

Scene from Cheers

The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis

The adventures of the superficial, worthless Dobie where both funny and very cynical for its time. Dobie’s parents who have no use for their son (who would), were priceless. This show was way ahead of its time. It went downhill the day it was canceled and no new shows could be made.

Scene from The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis

Frasier

Staring the worthless, self-important Dr. Frasier Crane and his bowel movement of a brother Niles and their rotting dog doo of a father and don’t get me started on the dog, (a living argument for abusing animals). This show continued the Cheers syndrome of having vile, contemptible regulars. This vastly overrated show was stuck in the sewer from day one only the character of Lilith, Frasier’s ex-wife, to occasionally raise it above pus level. This show went down hill from the beginning. Thankfully its over. Defining moment Frasier lets his father move in with that rancid dog. Why?

Cast of Frasier

Bewitched

A totally absurd concept that cried out to be utterly terrible but thanks to smart writing and good acting, (especially by Elizabeth Montgomery has Samantha) worked. This show started the long slow agonizing decline when it replace Darrin one with Darrin two. (Killing him off would have been a better idea but hey this was the sixties can’t have that on TV can we?).

Cast of Bewitched

Leave it to Beaver

A show which is perfectly impossible to understand why anyone not in need of sleep would find it funny or watch it unless in need of having to induce a coma. A show whose smarmy endorsement of mindlessness was positively creepy. Another one in decline from the toilet from day one. Any episode with Dad giving Beaver a moral lesson at the end will induce vomiting.

Cast of Leave it to Beaver

The Adams Family. (sixties version)

An Hollywood abortion. Adams, who created the cartoons which Hollywood mutilated and abused, apparently hated the show. The vicious, sly humour of the cartoons is emasculated and made harmless and wholesome. A total travesty. Another one that started in the tank and stayed there. The episode with the Adams refusing to spank their children is a defining moment for a family that poisons, tortures, and blowups each other.

Cast of The Adams Family

Roseanne

Here we have two “jump the sharks”, hard as it is to believe. The episode where Joan Collins showed up and Roseanne asked her why she was “such a bitch?” At this moment the show moved from its working class “realism” to being rather nauseatingly self referential with lots of guest stars. Hard has it is to believe Roseanne achieved the incredible feat of “jumping the shark” again. When the Connors won 100 million. Enough said. (The Connors appeared on Jerry Springer afterwards which says it all).

Cast of Roseanne

Seinfield

What can one say of this over praised, over hyped “entertainment”, except that it was Married with Children for the self important and pretentious. In fact pretentiousness was this shows defining characteristic. The four main characters carry the Cheers syndrome of having lead characters that are vile and contemptible to the nth degree. The irritation factor created by Jerry’s whining monologues or the nauseating applause when Ed Norton rip-off Kramer enters a room are truly awesome. The incredible display of butt licking when the show went off the air by TV critics would be enough to make anyone doubt the existence of God. Not even Trekkers at their worst were so sycophantic. The spectacle was at once stunning and disheartening. The moment this horror started to go downhill was the truly amazing episode where George’s fiancee dies and the regulars celebrate her death, thus revealing what pieces of vomit they are and that the show was basically Married with Children for pretentious snobs.

Cast of Seinfeld

Pierre Cloutier

Archaeology

Best and Worst on Film / TV

My list of the worst and best shows ever on Archeology are as follows.

Worst

1, Chariots of the Gods, Probably the worst but redeemed by being quite FUN in a really bad way. Probably the Plan Nine From Outer Space of documentaries.

Pacal’s Sarcophagus lid used in Documentary Chariots of the gods.
2, The Incredible Discovery of Noah's Ark, a absurd piece of nonsense where a gentleman fooled the makers of the documentary with a bit of "Noah's ark" that had been aged in Teriyaki sauce.

3, The Mysterious Origins of Man. Charlton Heston disgraces himself in this distorted screed against "orthodoxy".

4, In Search of Ancient Astronauts, which among other things contains an absurd and risible version of the Atlantis tale. I E., the Atlanteans were nuked by ET.

5, The In Search of TV series. Most episodes devoted archeology were out and out one-sided pieces for outrageous claims and theories and predictable for ignoring the "orthodox" view. An occasional good episode only slightly detracts from the god awful paranormal and fringe boosting of the TV show.

6, Kon Tiki Man, a hero worshiping TV series devoted to Thor Heyerdahl's carrier that very poorly dealt with the real problems with his theories. Really funny was the repeated statements that Heyerdahl's theories were "new" and "radical" when they are just the same old late nineteenth early twentieth century hyper diffusionism.

7, Underworld, Fingerprints of the Gods, and any thing else by Hancock. Classic examples of pseudoscience and distortion.

8, The Mystery of the Sphinx, once more a distorted, sensationalistic telling of the “mystery” of the age of the Sphinx.

The Sphinx

9, Michael Wood's embarrassing In Search of the Trojan War, which manage to dance around the question of how much history was in Homer's poems while serving great gobs of romance. In throw away lines Wood would admit that the historical kernel in the poems was small but then go right back to romance and leaving viewers with the impression that the modern study had shown that the historical kernel of the Homeric poems was substantial.

Best

1, The Archeology TV series. Provocative and interesting.

2, The case of the Ancient Astronauts, A dagger through the heart of Chariots of the Gods.

3, Ape Man, a journey narrated by Walter Cronkite about how we became us.

4, Ancient Lives. Romer’s personal view of the ordinary lives of a group of Ancient Egyptians's, showing how they were and were not like us. An example of how ordinary dirt archeology can illuminate the past. Required viewing, and reading, for anyone interested in Ancient Egypt.

5, The Lost Pyramids of Caral. A interesting overview of the discovery of the site of Caral and what that tells us about the origin of civilization.

Pyramids of Caral

6, Legacy, Michael Wood's bite size look at several original civilizations, China, India, Egypt, Mesopotamia, Central America, built around themes, done with sympathy and sense. Wood’s In search of the Dark Ages is also excellent.

7, The real Garden of Eden, for reasons obscure to me this show about archeology on the island of Bahrain, (in ancient times Dilmun) has stuck with me.

8, The Secrets of Easter Island, a stake through the heart of Heyerdahl's ideas about Easter Island.

Statues on Easter island

9, Building a Pyramid. Who says "conventional" "Orthodox" ways of building the pyramids are not interesting and provocative?

Pierre Cloutier

Saccarine Movie and TV Monsters

"Michele"

One of the most annoying features of modern day T.V., and movies is the phenomena of the "cute" kid.

Basically this consists of a "cute" child being "cute" to the point of inducing diabetes. The trademarks of this species of sub-humanity are a certain fake cloying sentimentality combined with lots of "cute" pouting and a extremely whining voice. The proper response to such a thing is to immediately put it out of its misery by killing it.

A classic example of the "cute" syndrome is the following scene from The Phantom Menace. Young Anakin is talking to someone and says the following in the following manner. First his hair is cut in the familiar "cute" mop top fashion to make him look "cute". Anakin moves his head sideways to look "cuter", then he puffs up his cheeks and pouts his lips and says in a whiny "cute" manner "My mommy always told me that this would be a better Universe if people were nice to each other". A truly hideous moment of mega saccharine. Now since the actor who plays Anakin was more or less alright in the rest of the movie and not anywhere near so stomach turning, we can rest assured that this moment was brought to us by George Lucas. More proof of his surrender to sick kiddie "cutedom".

In T.V. the most "memorable" moments of saccharine horror were provided by the Olson twins who played Michele in Full House, one of the most purely evil sitcoms ever. The mileage they got out of the Olson twins 'cute" pouting and mispronunciations is truly amazing and a clear example of child abuse. When Michele was no longer so "cute" they replaced her with mop top red haired twins, and caused deaths by sugar overdose.

From Opie to Gary Coleman the acres and acres of "cute" kids on T.V. is positively amazing and horrible, and generally proof of a complete lack of creativity. Its of interest that it is adults who generally find such kids entertaining, actual children tend to despise them has goody two shoes who should be beaten black and blue.

Sometime in the future I will talk about reasonably "real" kids on T.V.

Pierre Cloutier