The Stoned Nailmaker’s
“Jump the Shark" Page Post Part III

In two previous postings1 I listed 10 TV shows in each and my opinion of when they “jumped the shark”. Here are ten more.

Trial by Media

Caylee

It wasn’t until the case was over that I had heard about the case of Casey Anthony. When the verdict was announced much of the media and much of the public primed by that media coverage reacted with hysterical fury.

The case involved the disappearance / murder? of Caylee, Casey Anthony’s 2 year old daughter whose body was latter found in a plastic bag having been dead for some months. The fact that Casey the mother had neglected to inform the authorities etc., about Caylee’s disappearance for months, and in fact went partying etc., after the disappearance of her child does not give Casey any points towards being mother of the year. And Casey lied and lied about where Caylee was etc. Not surprisingly Casey was arrested.

The Lizard is a Turkey
A Review of Godzilla: The Movie 

Poster for the movie Godzilla: The Movie 

More than ten years ago I saw Godzilla: The Movie (1998). What an experience that was! All bad!! The idea was to do an Americanized version of the low-budget Japanese camp classic films. The two guys who did this film were the same duo that brought us Independence Day. That should have warned us about what to expect. That and their quite public arrogance about what they were doing. They went on and on about how much better their film would be than any of the Japanese Godzilla movies. Well they blew it their film atrocity was worst than any of the Japanese Godzilla movies, but cost many, many multiples of all the Japanese Godzilla films put together. For not only was it lousy in virtually all respects it was no fun at all!!

This is, for Gods sake!, a Godzilla film so I didn’t go into the film with high expectations. I was expecting a silly, mindless and campy romp. What I got was something well below my lowest expectations and I had low expectations to begin with.

Poster of Godzilla: The movie 

To mention just a few of the films many shortcomings, the lizard is the T-Rex from Jurassic Park along with many scenes being carbon copy rip-offs of the same film. For example the chasing of the little Godzillas in the movie is copied from the fight with the Raptors in Jurassic Park. The plot is just plain dumb, like why the hell does Godzilla go to New York. Why does Godzilla not eat all the actors, I would think he would like turkey and ham sandwiches. Why does everyone behave like morons in the movie? Why is the editing so bad? Why does Godzilla not go to Hollywood and destroy the studio that inflicted this upon humanity?

The script and dialogue have to be heard to be believed, but then what can you say about a film whoose catch phrase is "size does matter". The acting is beyond pathetic, if you thought the wooden performances in Japanese Godzilla films is risible and bad just watch the performances in this film. The performances in the Japanese Godzilla film are at least funny, but in this film the performances are positively painful to watch. Also Godzilla's behavior makes absolutely no sense even in the context of the movie. Why the hell does Godzilla want to lay his / her?, eggs. (Whether or not Godzilla was male or female was something this movie could not make its mind up about.) however crazy the Japanese Godzilla pics they at least made sense in terms of the imaginary world created.

The two makers of this flick seem to have forgotten that a film of this type is not supposed to be "good", in fact it can be bad, but it MUST be fun. They forgot that and produced this abomination. Toho studios of Japan which made the Japanese Godzilla films had sold the rights to make this Godzilla movie. They were apparently so pissed off with the result that they swore never to sell off the rights to another Studio to make a Godzilla film ever again.

Ironically the cartoon series Godzilla: The Series,1 is in virtually every way superior to the movie even though it is a sequel to this thunderously bad movie. What is especially notable is that the acting (in this case the cartoon voice acting) is massively superior to the movie and most importantly the plots and scripts are a major improvement. But then it appears that our two makers of the film had little to do with the series.

Godzilla: The Movie, is the sort of movie for which I and anyone else who saw it should have been paid to see. A bad film can be quite enjoyable as the Japanese Godzilla films show; but this is beyond bad it was positively torture to watch.

DO NOT PAY MONEY TO SEE THIS FILM, RENT OR BUY THE VIDEO!

Scene from Godzilla: The Series 

1. For Godzilla: The Series, see Wikipedia Here, and The Ultimate Guide to Godzilla: The Series Here.

Pierre Cloutier

The Stoned Nailmaker’s
“Jump the Shark Page” Post Part II

In a previous posting I listed 10 TV shows and my opinion of when they “jumped the shark”. Here are 10 more.

11, Absolutely Fabulous. The Fourth Season. After using the concept of just 3 seasons of 6 episodes each and working together a satisfactory, even brilliant, story arch about our two drug-ridden, drunken pieces of garbage, the creators decide to go to the cash cow two more times. Sorry it didn’t work from the first “Darling”. The fact is the antics of two middle aged narcissistic alcoholic potheads can get very tedious. My favorite character was the very practical Saffron who could barely tolerate her hideous mother Edina.

Scene from Absolutely Fabulous

12, The Honeymooners. A show which had the good sense not to go on forever and thus did not “jump the shark”. A truly amazing piece of TV history. Proof that mass entertainment doesn’t have to be stupid. Endlessly ripped off by far less creative people terrified of new ideas and thus attracted to necrophilia. The most common rip-off is the wacky next door neighbour Ed Norton; see Kramer. (Like Jerry Seinfeld and TV executives). I should mention that I adore this show even though I dislike Jackie Gleason quite intensely.

Scene From The Honeymooners

13, I Love Lucy. A show that stayed on a generally high note for its entire run. Watching episodes of I Love Lucy and then Leave it to Beaver is shocking. It is hard to believe that they were made at the same time! However a decline started with Lucy and Rickie going to California. From then on the show increasingly depended on guests and gimmicks and started to lose its edge. For example virtually the entire Ricardo’s visit Europe series was one very long exercise in self indulgence.

Cast of I Love Lucy

14, Married with Children. The only thing that keeps this show from being a “in the Toilet from day one show” is that it was deliberately and relentlessly horrid and totally without pretentiousness. The regulars worked real hard to be horrible and they were! So Married with Children was very much a guilty pleasure. The show started downhill when they introduced Seven a cute eight year old for part of one season. The introduction of “family values” fatally damaged the hideous ambiance of the show. The show had the distinction of being considered through most of its runs one of the most tasteless, crude pieces of trash on TV, but at least it was not pretentious, unlike Seinfeld.

Cast of Married With Children

15, Bonanza. One of the “essential” TV westerns, complete with hackneyed plots in an ersatz west. It definitely had a certain charm. Show started to decline when Parnell Roberts as the eldest son, (who had an attitude problem) left leaving the field to the fat guy and the goody-good younger son. I don’t know about you but Michael Landon especially when he was later incarnated into the prefect father, Little House on the Prairie, and then an angel in Highway to Heaven was very annoying. Also the repeated use of the same shots of them riding around got stale fast.

Cast of Bonanza

16, My Mother the Car. Another Hollywood abortion. Who thought this idea would work? Only TV executives who can seem to be amazingly clueless. Moment it went downhill, when we realize that our “hero’s” mother was reincarnated in a car. (Idea brought to us by cowardly 60’s TV executives). Yes it is hard to believe that this show was for real, and lasted for ONE full season of 30 episodes before it was killed by lethal injection. The “star” of the show took well over a decade to have his carrier recover from this fiasco. (He stared as the lead in Coach)

Scene from My Mother the Car

17, Get Smart. A totally in your face farce on spying. With the wonderful Don Adams and the underrated Barbara Feldon as the wondrous 99. You have to have a high tolerance for blunt slapstick and really bad puns to like this one. Decline began when Max and 99 decide to get married. The tension between the intelligent 99 and the really stupid Max (Agent 86) was lost forever. They also had twins. There were attempts latter on to create sequels to the show. The less said the better about those “efforts”.

Scene from Get Smart

18, The John Larroquette Show. After a really great first season which played up the story of a man who had wreaked his and other peoples lives through his alcoholism trying to get back up and out of the pit he dug for himself. Then the network decides to “improve” the show by giving John a new apartment and to really downplay the “downer” aspects of the show. The result was another sitcom full of “characters” with no depth. Under the shows “new” “improved” direction the main characters drinking problems and literary interests largely disappeared from the plots of the episodes making the show just another generic sitcom. The show survived the mutilation for a couple of years but was unwatchable.

Cast of John Larroquette Show

19, Keeping up Appearances. A show with one of the most horrid TV characters ever created, the infamous Hyacinth Bucket. A snob, social climber to the nth degree. The show was very funny and creative but decline it did. I never quite figured how her and her husband could have had a son? How could anyone or anything have sex with Ms. Bouquet? Yuck at the thought!! The show did not “jump the shark” at any one moment but more or less did so gradually as the audience wonders why no one has told that “bitch” off or at least shot her to death. (A Judge would have considered it a mercy killing). My favorite character was Ms. Bouquet’s brother in law Onslow, who would lie in bed and read books about such things as quantum mechanics. Onslow also quite rightly realized what a curse Hyacinth is.

Scene from Keeping Up Appearances

20, The Dukes of Hazzard. A definite Hollywood blackhead filled with infested rotting pus. How this made it on the air let alone lasted 6 years is inexplicable and a possible proof that TV executives are indeed in league with Satan. Another show that started in the tank and stayed there only to became infested with fungi. Turning point came when the two leads were temporarily replaced revealing that the best actor in the series was indeed the car the General Lee. The show consisted of the Dukes getting in their car being chased, getting out of their car, getting back in their car, being chased, and repeat and repeat. The show also was “notable” for showing both front and back cleavage, (Daisy Duke). The show spawned (Yep that’s the word), a number of even more horrid spin-offs that are now hopefully forgotten.

Cast of The Dukes of Hazzard
Pierre Cloutier

The Oscars – YAWN!!

The Oscar Award

The Oscars will soon once again darken our television screen with c. four hours of mega boredom. It will be only a few hours but it will seem like an eternity spent watching white paint dry on a wall.

The Oscars are a big cultural phenomena but as an award show picking my nose and eating the dried up snot found there is easily much less boring and vastly more intellectually stimulating.

Watching those deathly dull musical numbers and another host bore for an Everest of eternity is indeed a circle in Dante's hell. Only the possibility of another host proving that they can blow it and be stunningly unentertaining gives this bore fest even a moment of interest. Jackass in chief David Letterman's performance as Oscar host has a severely spastic retarded moron was mildly diverting at times. It was nice to see Mr. cream my jeans to overflowing while I gaze upon myself in the mirror prove that he was indeed the biggest douche bag in the universe.

As for a mark artistic excellence. Well Oscar and artistic excellence should provoke uncontrolled, rolling on the floor, tears streaming down your face laughter. Not that Oscar fucks it up all the time. It does get things right from time to time, but lets face it so much of the time Oscar losses it big time!

Let’s see Do you remember How Green was my Valley? Well Oscar thought it was a better film than Citizen Kane!!?? Seriously! How about the fact that Cary Grant never won an Oscar. Or how about the fact that Orson Welles not only never won an Academy Award for Best Director but was only nominated once! Even a film as budget deprived has The Chimes at Midnight, (Orson Welles) is easily vastly superior to virtually anything that Hollywood has given a best picture Oscar to. One could of course add the Oscar deprivation of Directors like Kubrick and Hitchcock to the mix. One could of course mention Kurosawa in this list also.

But then this is an institution that boosted such saccharine crap has Forest Gump, (more accurately it should be called Forest Gunk), and gave Mel Gibson an Academy Award for best Director. No doubt Mel is a much better director than Kurosawa, Hitchcock, Kubrick and Welles. Yeah right!! Can one mention the Academy Awards boosting of On Golden Pond, (better called Geriatric Bowel Movement), or Rocky and similar schlock fests. Or how about deciding that You Light Up My Life deserved the best song award!

Also please can someone explain to me how Jack Nicholson got an Academy Award for acting in Goodwill Hunting. All he does is what he has been doing for a generation be Jack Nicholson doing Jack Nicholson!

Often Oscar tries to make up for its slighting of real film art by giving honorary Oscars to those slighted, (See Cary Grant, Hitchcock, Kurosawa, Welles). Which basically amounts to a "So Sorry! We Fucked up!". Sorry it doesn't make up for it.

So not only are the Oscars boring to the nth degree, it is also very far from rewarding artistic excellence.

Pierre Cloutier

Cloning and Boring
Capsule reviews of three Star Wars flicks

Movie Poster

Last year I saw the latest Star Wars flick. The aptly named Star Wars: The Clone Wars. George Lucas' surrender of what little is left of his integrity continues. The movie sucks on so many levels, but one is especially annoying. The Teenage sidekick with attitude. Please see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull for why such adolescent abortions should indeed be aborted before they are born and terminated by infanticide if they are born. Basically George Lucas has surrendered integrity for cash, which is why his movies now reek with clichés, and stereotypes. He wants his movies to make piles of money so banal clichés now submerge his films in a stew of mediocrity, catering for the lowest common denominator. Hence the saccharine Ewoks, (chosen because they were more merchandisable than the Wookies for the third film), having the dis-improvement of Solo shooting Greedo after Greedo tries to shot him. (Thus making Solo a more "acceptable" "goody goody" hero. This of course also explains the abomination of Jar Jar Binks, and young Anakin's vile and evil mop top hair cut. (Proof positive of a complete surrender of all artistic integrity).

The Film is indeed a clone, with has much feeling as a clone and has much integrity has a clone. In other words none at all. The movie is designed to feed George's huge bank account by catering to the lowest common denominator of banalities and cliché. The lack of originality, the sheer idiocy of the script are breath taking. This is to movie making what cold MacDonald's food is. BORING!!!

Movie Poster

When I saw Revenge of the Sith, and I must say that there was some things to like and much to dislike.

Like:

a), The "Emperor", his carpet chewing over the top performance was wonderful, like that in Return of the Jedi, (One of the few saving graces of that shit fest).

b) The "birth" of Darth Vader. Yeah!! With the Voice!!

c), The Wookies!!

Dislike:

a), Anakin as "misunderstood", and "well meaning". His performance was cloying and saccharine. I thought he was performance was one long whine. "I want my mommy!!"

b), Lucas once again thinks that effects can compensate for serious defects like:

c), Bad script. People say the dumbest things!

d), Acting generally Space Opera bad.

e), Finally Yoda. "Conceited, self satisfied jerk is he". Terminally annoying and the way he talks is no longer amusing the millionth time you hear his backwards shtick. After hearing his stupidities in the other two movies of the second trilogy I was so hoping not to see or hear him.

Movie Poster
The Return of the Jedi, is indisputably the worst Star Wars flick of the first three (of course Revenge of the Sith of the three prequels is certainly worst, one can argue about the other two) for it has the following idiocies.

A) The Ewoks, a saccharine creation designed quite coldly to sell merchandise, unlike the non cute Wookies. Ewoks remain in desperate need of extermination.

B) The battle on Endor. One of the stupidest battle scenes ever. I note the almost total absence of Ewok dead, the reams of Storm Trooper dead. I further note that this battle scene is believable only if you think that !Kung Bushmen armed with spears can destroy a Nazi Panzer Division, and about has believable.

C) The we're the good guys so we will win by sheer dumb luck crap. Our Heroes walk into a trap, being totally out smarted by the Emperor but they still win! It never occurs to anyone to have a plan B. An OLD, OLD!! bit of cliché crud.

This film coasts to its relatively high status, in my opinion entirely on the coat tails of the other films in itself it is badly acted, badly scripted etc., aside from the three criminal errors noted above.

Pierre Cloutier

Novels
Good and Bad

The following are two lists. The first is a list of, in my opinion, of the best novels I have ever read. The list after that is of the worst novels I have ever read.

My Choices for best novels are:

Cover of novel Anna Karenina

1, Anna Karenina, by Leo Tolstoy. In my opinion the BEST novel ever! Certainly the best novel about adultery and its effects but it is more than that. Much more!

2, The Tale of Genji, by Murasaki Shikibu. 1000 years old but whoa!! The depth of psychological insight displayed by the author is amazing.

3, Gargantua and Pantagruel, by Francois Rabelais. Ribald fun. If you like your novels crude and also very erudite this is it. Read it to find out why a goose is good toilet paper.

4. War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy. Nothing else to say. Part novel, part history and part psychology it pays huge dividends to read despite its length.

5. Gulliver's Travels, by Jonathan Swift. Viciously misanthropic. My favorite section the Land of the horses. Who knew someone who despised mankind so much could be so much fun.

6. Surfacing, by Margaret Atwood. Cruel fun. Yes Ms. Atwood has a sense of humour. It is impossible to describe just how cruel and funny this work is.

7. As for Me and My House, by Sinclair Ross. Despairing but yet hopeful. About how love both blinds and enables you to see.

8. Bleak House, By Charles Dickens. Mr. Dickens under some sort of control. A caustic attack on people playing false with each other.

9. The Breast, by Philip Roth. Unbelievably silly and funny. Well it is about a guy turning into a giant human breast.

10. The Story of the Stone, also called The Dream of the Red Chamber, by Cao Xueqin. and Gao E. Rise and fall of a Chinese family. Considered the pinnacle of Chinese novels.

11. Cousin Bette, by Honore de Balzac. Revenge gone to gangrene. About how revenge is soul destroying and ultimately fruitless.

Now, ugh!!, for the worst novels I’ve read:

Cover of novel Hannibal

1. Hannibal, by Thomas Harris. In all fairness NO ONE should ever read this novel. If giving plot details DON'T have a spoiler warning, because if knowing what happens in the novel prevents some people from reading it; then you have done a good deed.

2. The Carpetbaggers, by Harold Robbins. Mr. Robbins cements his reputation has the worst novelist of the Twentieth century with this bloated mess. Novel defines turgid. Has line "His whitehot shaft". Enough said.

3. Valley of the Dolls, by Jacqueline Suzanne. Ms. Suzanne makes popping pills into a coma preferable to reading this novel. The grade Z movie made of this novel lives down to its non-existent quality.

4. American Psycho, by Bret Easton Ellis. Grade Z slasher film as a novel. Contains much pointless description of atrocities. Author has major case of epater le bourgeoise. Novel is of the same level of child defecating in public for attention.

5. Silas Marner, by George Eliot. Ms. Elliot manages to pack many thousands of pages of boredom into less than 250 pages. Read any ten pages and you will find out how to make anything you write turgid and dull to the max.

6. The Portrait of the Artist has a Young Man, by James Joyce. Stunningly self indulgent. Mr. Joyce convinces reader that Stephen is better off dead.

7. Stranger in the Mirror, by Sidney Sheldon. This is a ur story about the "real" Hollywood. So over the top its unintentionally risible. The prose is beyond moronic; just read the descriptions of sex.

8. Birthright, by Nora Roberts. Ms. Roberts seems to write one Romance Novel a month and it shows. Every hideous romance novel cliché is in this book. Fortunately Ms. Roberts does not take herself too seriously as a writer.

9. Hotel, by Arthur Hailey. Anything by Mr. Hailey would do, but this one because it inspired a bad prime time soap will do as a example. Mr. Hailey is basically a Harold Robbins wannabe but whereas Mr. Robbins is turgid, very very heavy turgid; Mr. Hailey is turgid lite, but still unreadable.

10. Naked Came the Stranger, by Mike McGrady et al. A spoof trying to parody bad novels. Despite best efforts fails to be intentionally has bad as so many of these dreadful novels are unintentionally. Even as a parody it is still dreadful.

11. A Pilgrims Progress, by Paul Bunyan. One reading of this ponderous tome has great success in converting people to Atheism. It is also incredibly boring, heavy handed and morally repugnant. Yes abandoning your wife and kids is alright!?

Pierre Cloutier

Bad Songs

Tiny Tim
In pursuit of one of my favorite hobby horses. The reign of the horrible here is my list of song atrocities, in no particular order.

1, Tip Toe through the Tulips, Tiny Tim version. Tiny Tim should have tip toed over a cliff rather than inflict this song on us,and his voice is falsetto annoying!

2, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. The William Shatner version. Possibly the WORST recording of a song ever. Has added atrocity factor from the fact the song is a CLASSIC and it takes major effort to render it bad to this truly unbelievable degree.

3, Muskrat Love. Sung by 70’s effluent The Captain and Tennile. About two muskrats making out. UGH!

4, Timothy. Bleated by The Buoys. All you need to know about the song are these lyrics:

Timothy, Timothy, Joe was looking at youTimothy, Timothy, God what did we do?

I must have blacked out just around then'Cause the very next thing that I could seeWas the light of the day againMy stomach was full as it could be
And nobody ever got aroundTo finding Timothy.1

5, You Light up my Life. Sung by Debbie Boone. I descend into the blackest pit of darkness upon hearing this treacly mess.

6, That's Amoure. "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie. That's Amore". Dean Martin how could you sing something so DUMB!

7, I scream, You scream, We all Scream for Ice Cream. I scream when I hear this song. In pain and it doesn’t matter who sings it.

8, Seasons in the Sun. By Canada’s own Terry Jacks. A wonderfully uplifting song about suicide. cloying and whiny in mega doses.

9, Dancing Queen. Vomited by ABBA. This song is a perfect example of Euro-muzak; it is mindless, banal and utterly trite, along with being saccharine. When the horror, sorry musical, Momma Mia came out I considered standing in front of a theatre showing the flick with my old ABBA sucks t-shirt, because they did and still do.

10, Saturday Night. In any list of bad songs something by the abomination known has the Bay City Rollers should be mentioned.

11, MacArthur's Park. “Sung” by actor Richard Harris. Well I must confess I like the music, though it is rather over blown. The lyrics however put it into a whole new league of badness. "Someone left the cake out in the rain, I don't think that I can fake it and it took so long to bake it and I'll never have that recipe again! Oh No!". Why hasn't anyone rewritten the lyrics! Of course the Donna Summer version adds a whole new element of horror, (the Disco factor), which adds a thick patina of grotesqueness to the song.

What would other people like to put into a list of bad tunes?

Single Cover Showing Richard Harris and Jim Webb
1. Lyrics Download, Here

Pierre Cloutier

The Stoned Nailmaker's
“Jump the shark” Post, Part One

The following is my list of the moments at which TV shows began that slide to sucksville. The opinions are entirely my own of course.

Happy Days

This show was more accurately described by MAD Magazine as Crappy Days gave us the phrase “jump the shark”, referring to that horrid, brain-cell killing episode when the “Fonz” jumps over a shark while driving a motorcycle. I disagree. The moment came when after they raped, mutilated and murdered an idea of a series taking place in the fifties, they went further and decided to make the “Fonz” really “cool” thus elevating awesome stupidity and ignorance into “cool”. Defining Episode the “Fonz” doing Hamlet. (The Bard would have killed himself if he Had not already been dead.)

Cast of Happy Days

The Beverly Hillbillies

This show is an example of TV thinking during the sixties. Basically a bunch of “city slickers” decide to make fun of country people by portraying them has stupid and ignorant. An example of urban contempt for country life. The show started in the toilet and went down from there. When the show went off the air Time magazine said it was “the best indication of an improvement in network taste”. Defining moment when Granny thought that Elle-Mae was marrying a real “frog” and would have little “tadpoles”.

Cast of The BeverlyHillbillies

Cheers.

Diana leaving. Afterwards it became obvious what a bunch of worthless, contemptible losers the regulars were. The sort of people you would see bleeding to death on the road and leave to die without a moment’s hesitation. The Diana character was irritating and annoying but not contemptible; when she left the total uselessness of the other regulars became all too apparent. Cheers started the trend on American sitcoms of having vile, worthless regulars the viewer could feel superior too and contemptuous of.

Scene from Cheers

The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis

The adventures of the superficial, worthless Dobie where both funny and very cynical for its time. Dobie’s parents who have no use for their son (who would), were priceless. This show was way ahead of its time. It went downhill the day it was canceled and no new shows could be made.

Scene from The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis

Frasier

Staring the worthless, self-important Dr. Frasier Crane and his bowel movement of a brother Niles and their rotting dog doo of a father and don’t get me started on the dog, (a living argument for abusing animals). This show continued the Cheers syndrome of having vile, contemptible regulars. This vastly overrated show was stuck in the sewer from day one only the character of Lilith, Frasier’s ex-wife, to occasionally raise it above pus level. This show went down hill from the beginning. Thankfully its over. Defining moment Frasier lets his father move in with that rancid dog. Why?

Cast of Frasier

Bewitched

A totally absurd concept that cried out to be utterly terrible but thanks to smart writing and good acting, (especially by Elizabeth Montgomery has Samantha) worked. This show started the long slow agonizing decline when it replace Darrin one with Darrin two. (Killing him off would have been a better idea but hey this was the sixties can’t have that on TV can we?).

Cast of Bewitched

Leave it to Beaver

A show which is perfectly impossible to understand why anyone not in need of sleep would find it funny or watch it unless in need of having to induce a coma. A show whose smarmy endorsement of mindlessness was positively creepy. Another one in decline from the toilet from day one. Any episode with Dad giving Beaver a moral lesson at the end will induce vomiting.

Cast of Leave it to Beaver

The Adams Family. (sixties version)

An Hollywood abortion. Adams, who created the cartoons which Hollywood mutilated and abused, apparently hated the show. The vicious, sly humour of the cartoons is emasculated and made harmless and wholesome. A total travesty. Another one that started in the tank and stayed there. The episode with the Adams refusing to spank their children is a defining moment for a family that poisons, tortures, and blowups each other.

Cast of The Adams Family

Roseanne

Here we have two “jump the sharks”, hard as it is to believe. The episode where Joan Collins showed up and Roseanne asked her why she was “such a bitch?” At this moment the show moved from its working class “realism” to being rather nauseatingly self referential with lots of guest stars. Hard has it is to believe Roseanne achieved the incredible feat of “jumping the shark” again. When the Connors won 100 million. Enough said. (The Connors appeared on Jerry Springer afterwards which says it all).

Cast of Roseanne

Seinfield

What can one say of this over praised, over hyped “entertainment”, except that it was Married with Children for the self important and pretentious. In fact pretentiousness was this shows defining characteristic. The four main characters carry the Cheers syndrome of having lead characters that are vile and contemptible to the nth degree. The irritation factor created by Jerry’s whining monologues or the nauseating applause when Ed Norton rip-off Kramer enters a room are truly awesome. The incredible display of butt licking when the show went off the air by TV critics would be enough to make anyone doubt the existence of God. Not even Trekkers at their worst were so sycophantic. The spectacle was at once stunning and disheartening. The moment this horror started to go downhill was the truly amazing episode where George’s fiancee dies and the regulars celebrate her death, thus revealing what pieces of vomit they are and that the show was basically Married with Children for pretentious snobs.

Cast of Seinfeld

Pierre Cloutier

Comments on a Top 100 Movie List

Just for fun, and as a change of pace from my usual postings, here are my comments on a top one hundred movie list published last year on The Times OnLine.1

100 - Jurassic Park

Right at the start the list tells us it doesn't mean anything remotely serious. The film is fun but come on!!

99 - La Belle et la Bete

I assume they mean the c. 1948 version. A good choice.

98 - My Fair Lady

No Julie Andrews, and a totally cliche ending utterly unfaithful to Shaw's play. Terrible!

97 - Point Break

Pretentious.

96 - Lost in Translation

Vague people doing vague things for what seems like an eternity.

95 - Grand Hotel

A cliche ridden bathic mess redeemed ONLY by Greta Garbo's brilliant performance.

94 - La Haine

Can't comment haven't even heard of it.

93 - Cool Hand Luke

Interesting choice, and a good movie.

92 - A bout de soffle

Another can't comment I haven’t heard of it movie.

91 - Short Cuts

Yuck!

90 - Trainspotting

One of the best films, if the not the best I've seen in the last 20 years.

89 - A Touch of Evil

Good choice.

88 - Wild Strawberries

A great Bergman film but not his best, Where is Fanny and Alexander?

87 - Silence of the Lambs

A good movie but lets face it Anthony Hopkins performance is over the top campyness and the whole movie in retrospect is major silly.

86 - Nosferatu

I assume, and hope, they mean the 1920's silent film classic and not the late 70's remake.

85 - Dog Day Afternoon

Good movie but NOT a top 100.

84 - Festen

Can't comment haven’t heard of it.

83 - Spartacus

A blockbuster crowd pleaser and quite good.

82 - Chungking Express

Boring.

81 - North by Northwest

One of the ultimate Hitchcock films.

80 - Tokyo Story

Pretentious and dull.

79 - Deliverance

Good but in the top 100?

78 - The Lady Eve

Hate it with a passion.

77 - Pather Panchali

So dull!!

76 - From Here To Eternity

The film is iconic but very overrated.

75 - The Good, The Bad the Ugly

Pure sleazy popcorn. The list makes another silly choice.

74 - Rosemary’s Baby

Stunningly dated.

73 - Great Expectations

I assume they mean the late forties version. No I wouldn't put it in any top 100 list.

72 - Days of Heaven

Stunning visuals, but very weak in acting and script. Should NOT be in a top 100 list.

71 - This Is Spinal Tap

The ultimate mock documentary.

70 - The Conversation

A seriously underestimated film. Good choice

69 - Hidden (Cache)

Whatever.

68 - The Maltese Falcon

A vastly overrated "classic".

67 - The Piano

Schmaltzy horror.

66 - Toy Story

Good film but a top 100?

65 - The Thin Blue Line

I assume they mean the documentary , and if so it is a very good movie.

64 - Do The Right Thing

Good film but what is it doing in this list?

63 - On The Waterfront

Another wildly overrated film. Its not a contender.

62 - Taxi Driver

Good choice.

61 - Rashomon

Good choice. Two in a row!

60 - The Crying Game

What is this film doing here?

59 - Pulp Fiction

A pretentious overrated piece of garbage.

58 - Dr Zhivago

Have the people who made this list actually SEEN this movie?

57 - Raging Bull

Good Choice.

56 - Whisky Galore

Can't comment haven’t heard of it.

55 - The Matrix

They are trying to be funny I hope.

54 - Roman Holiday

A piece of light mindless cotton candy. At best a mild diversion.

53 - Mildred Pierce

Yes Joanne Crawford is great but see the Carol Burnett parody Mildred Fierce, for the reason this film cries out to be made fun of.

52 - La Dolce Vita

Interesting choice.

51 - Cabaret

Maybe the best filmed musical ever.

50 - Blade Runner

No particular objection, but if Blade Runner is here why not Forbidden Planet?

49 - High Society

A musical version of The Philadelphia Story, simply inane!!

48 - Shoah

Good Choice, numbing and brilliant.

47 - Fargo

Liked the movie but a top 100?

46 - All About Eve

On this list for reasons of iconic status and camp appeal and not because of the film’s merits.

45 - The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp

Have the compilers of this list seen this movie?

44 - A Streetcar Named Desire

Great play, but sorry can't get over "Stella, Stella!!!", hyperventilated by Marlon Brando.

43 - Terminator 2: Judgement Day

Another reason NOT to take this list the slightest bit seriously.

42 - Blue Velvet

Double Ugh!!

41 - A Star Is Born

I hope they mean the 1930's version and not the execrable 50's or 70's versions.

40 - The Life of Brian

Isn't Monty Python and the Holy Grail better?

39 - The Graduate

Ok I liked this film but in the top 100?!

38 - Rear Window

Another Hitchcock masterwork good choice.

37 - Beau Travail

Pretentious glop.

36 - Jaws

Another reason NOT to take this list seriously.

35 - Withnail and I

Painful and boring to sit through but of much help if you need sleep.

34 - The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance

Another popcorn flick; whats it doing here?

33 - One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

Jack Nicholson plays Jack Nicholson like he will do countless times since. Can't get beyond my Nickolson is really annoying syndrome to judge merits of film.

32 - The Empire Strikes Back

Ok this is a good film and the best of the Star Wars flicks but in the top 100!?

31 - His Girl Friday

A version of the The Front Page, good choice.

30 - Rebel Without a Cause

Overrated flick because of serious icon factor with very overrated James Dean.

29 - Duck Soup

Good Choice.

28 - Gone With The Wind

Should be higher on list.

27 - A Clockwork Orange

Good and interesting choice.

26 - Goodfellas

Another overrated modern "classic".

25 - Picnic at Hanging Rock

Can't comment haven’t heard of it.

24 - The Philadelphia Story

Yes another good choice but were is Bringing up Baby?

23 - Some Like It Hot

I liked this film but in the top 100?

22 - The Breakfast Club

Only in list because compilers saw it when they were teenagers.

21 - The Towering Inferno

This film deservedly is on many worst film lists. It is horrible on so many levels. Whats it doing here when it should be flushed down the toilet with the rest of the shit.

20 - The Wizard of Oz

Good Choice.

19 - The Exorcist

Aside from the yuck factor whats it doing here?

18 - Don’t Look Now

Yuck!!

17 - Annie Hall

After Woody's blow up with Mia I can't bare to watch any film with him in it.

16 - Metropolis

YES! YES!! A truly great film even after its rather horrible mutilation.

15 - Apocalypse Now

Good Choice.

14 - Jungle Book

What Jungle Book? If they mean the late 60's Disney animated flick then I've lost it. The compilers are definitely relieving their childhoods.

13 - 2001 A Space Odyssey

Incomprehensible but brilliant.

12 - Alien

What is this film doing here? Besides Aliens is way better.

11 - The Sound of Music

A piece of saccharine glop frozen in rock candy more accurately called The Sound of Mucus. Has cliches within cliches.

10 - The Godfather

Good choice.

9 - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Eternal boredom of a Tortured Mind would be a better title.

8 - Sunset Boulevard

Good movie but on list mainly for iconic aspects. Other than Gloria Swanson's performance a seriously overrated movie.

7 - Kes

Can't comment haven’t heard of it.

6 - Vertigo

Another great Hitchcock but were is Psycho?

5 - The Shining

This film is A) Crap and B) Jack Nicholson does Jack Nicholson too death and C) Crap.

4 - Chinatown

Good Choice even with Jack Nicholson.

3 - ET The Extraterrestrial

Manipulative, syrupy, saccharine crap of the vilest kind. Compilers are relieving their childhoods again and inflicting this running pustule on us.

2 - There Will Be Blood

Hated it.

1 - Casablanca

OK its a great film, but the best film ever made? Seriously another iconic film that suffers from being incredibly overrated.

One could easly criticize this list for its omissions and what it includes. However, utterly, incredibly it does not include Citizen Kane!

1. Top 100 Films - The Full List from Times OnLine, Here

Pierre Cloutier