Cloning and Boring
Capsule reviews of three Star Wars flicks

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Last year I saw the latest Star Wars flick. The aptly named Star Wars: The Clone Wars. George Lucas' surrender of what little is left of his integrity continues. The movie sucks on so many levels, but one is especially annoying. The Teenage sidekick with attitude. Please see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull for why such adolescent abortions should indeed be aborted before they are born and terminated by infanticide if they are born. Basically George Lucas has surrendered integrity for cash, which is why his movies now reek with clichés, and stereotypes. He wants his movies to make piles of money so banal clichés now submerge his films in a stew of mediocrity, catering for the lowest common denominator. Hence the saccharine Ewoks, (chosen because they were more merchandisable than the Wookies for the third film), having the dis-improvement of Solo shooting Greedo after Greedo tries to shot him. (Thus making Solo a more "acceptable" "goody goody" hero. This of course also explains the abomination of Jar Jar Binks, and young Anakin's vile and evil mop top hair cut. (Proof positive of a complete surrender of all artistic integrity).

The Film is indeed a clone, with has much feeling as a clone and has much integrity has a clone. In other words none at all. The movie is designed to feed George's huge bank account by catering to the lowest common denominator of banalities and cliché. The lack of originality, the sheer idiocy of the script are breath taking. This is to movie making what cold MacDonald's food is. BORING!!!

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When I saw Revenge of the Sith, and I must say that there was some things to like and much to dislike.

Like:

a), The "Emperor", his carpet chewing over the top performance was wonderful, like that in Return of the Jedi, (One of the few saving graces of that shit fest).

b) The "birth" of Darth Vader. Yeah!! With the Voice!!

c), The Wookies!!

Dislike:

a), Anakin as "misunderstood", and "well meaning". His performance was cloying and saccharine. I thought he was performance was one long whine. "I want my mommy!!"

b), Lucas once again thinks that effects can compensate for serious defects like:

c), Bad script. People say the dumbest things!

d), Acting generally Space Opera bad.

e), Finally Yoda. "Conceited, self satisfied jerk is he". Terminally annoying and the way he talks is no longer amusing the millionth time you hear his backwards shtick. After hearing his stupidities in the other two movies of the second trilogy I was so hoping not to see or hear him.

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The Return of the Jedi, is indisputably the worst Star Wars flick of the first three (of course Revenge of the Sith of the three prequels is certainly worst, one can argue about the other two) for it has the following idiocies.

A) The Ewoks, a saccharine creation designed quite coldly to sell merchandise, unlike the non cute Wookies. Ewoks remain in desperate need of extermination.

B) The battle on Endor. One of the stupidest battle scenes ever. I note the almost total absence of Ewok dead, the reams of Storm Trooper dead. I further note that this battle scene is believable only if you think that !Kung Bushmen armed with spears can destroy a Nazi Panzer Division, and about has believable.

C) The we're the good guys so we will win by sheer dumb luck crap. Our Heroes walk into a trap, being totally out smarted by the Emperor but they still win! It never occurs to anyone to have a plan B. An OLD, OLD!! bit of cliché crud.

This film coasts to its relatively high status, in my opinion entirely on the coat tails of the other films in itself it is badly acted, badly scripted etc., aside from the three criminal errors noted above.

Pierre Cloutier

Saccarine Movie and TV Monsters

"Michele"

One of the most annoying features of modern day T.V., and movies is the phenomena of the "cute" kid.

Basically this consists of a "cute" child being "cute" to the point of inducing diabetes. The trademarks of this species of sub-humanity are a certain fake cloying sentimentality combined with lots of "cute" pouting and a extremely whining voice. The proper response to such a thing is to immediately put it out of its misery by killing it.

A classic example of the "cute" syndrome is the following scene from The Phantom Menace. Young Anakin is talking to someone and says the following in the following manner. First his hair is cut in the familiar "cute" mop top fashion to make him look "cute". Anakin moves his head sideways to look "cuter", then he puffs up his cheeks and pouts his lips and says in a whiny "cute" manner "My mommy always told me that this would be a better Universe if people were nice to each other". A truly hideous moment of mega saccharine. Now since the actor who plays Anakin was more or less alright in the rest of the movie and not anywhere near so stomach turning, we can rest assured that this moment was brought to us by George Lucas. More proof of his surrender to sick kiddie "cutedom".

In T.V. the most "memorable" moments of saccharine horror were provided by the Olson twins who played Michele in Full House, one of the most purely evil sitcoms ever. The mileage they got out of the Olson twins 'cute" pouting and mispronunciations is truly amazing and a clear example of child abuse. When Michele was no longer so "cute" they replaced her with mop top red haired twins, and caused deaths by sugar overdose.

From Opie to Gary Coleman the acres and acres of "cute" kids on T.V. is positively amazing and horrible, and generally proof of a complete lack of creativity. Its of interest that it is adults who generally find such kids entertaining, actual children tend to despise them has goody two shoes who should be beaten black and blue.

Sometime in the future I will talk about reasonably "real" kids on T.V.

Pierre Cloutier