Monday, July 06, 2009

An update for The Devil’s Dictionary



Ambrose Bierce

In 1911 Ambrose Bierce, American humorist, published his The Devil’s Dictionary1, here are a few updates for a new version.

Accomplice – Someone who helps a criminal do a wicked act, who got caught and could not bribe, cheat, lie or dissemble his / her way out of it.

Asshole – An empty space, and / or a person who won’t sleep with you.

Born Again – The nearest thing a Fundamentalist experiences to an Orgasm. Also an impossibility given that you are only born once. A licence to boss everyone else around.

Christian – Debased and abused term misused by many. See Fundamentalist.

Criminal – Someone who steals, lies, kills etc., on a small scale; does not apply to those who do it wholesale see Politician, CEO etc.

Cunt – An empty space, and / or a women who won’t sleep with you.

Fucking – A pleasurable activity that must be made un-pleasurable and guilt ridden so that people who can’t do it will feel some pleasure denying others pleasure.

Heterosexuality – The true faith and only path to salvation, although only if done the correct way, (missionary position for procreation only with no pleasure). Every effort must be made to convert all humans to this true faith least they enjoy themselves.

Heresy – The losing side of an argument. An opinion you don’t like. Something to get indignant about.

Homosexuality – A Heresy. Which every effort must be made to stamp out least everyone be denied salvation. See Heterosexuality.

Freedom Fighter – Someone who murders, mains and devastates without scruple, who is on our side and therefore is not a Terrorist. See Terrorist.

Fundamentalist – Liar, Blasphemer, Heretic, and also brain dead. See Zombie.

Jesus of Nazareth – Guy who got nailed to a tree for saying wouldn't it be great if people were nice to each other for a change. (See book Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy2). Although Jesus was Jewish he was of course not Jewish according to most of his followers. See Christian.

Living together – An illicit form of Marriage.

Luxury – Allowed only to those who have worked hard all their lives and their children wives, husbands, relatives, friends, parasites, politicians, thieves, liars, cheaters etc, who of course have a god given right to think the world owes them a living.

Marriage – Legal prostitution. See Prostitution.

Masturbation – Self sex, everyone can do so of course no one should do it. Bulwark of virginity.

Media – Teller of truths that are lies also providers of depraved sexual services to the highest bidder. Also known as ass kissers and butt lickers.

National Interests – The interests of the rich and powerful has against the interests of 95-99% of the population.

Orthodox – The winning aside of an argument. An opinion you like. Senility. See Zombie.

Political Correctness – Term applied by powerful, influential people to formerly powerless people complaining about powerful influential people abusing and libelling them. Also the whining of the powerless and abused as against the whining of the rich and powerful which is not Politically Correct but merely objective reality.

Politician – See Criminal and Accomplice. Someone who is out for his own interests but cloaks it in lies and subterfuge. Also a wholesale thief, liar, hypocrite, killer etc. Generally also a pet poodle of the rich and powerful. Noted for his / her brown nose.

Prostitution – Marriage without illusions. See Marriage. Disgusting activity in which only the providers of the service are depraved not the customers.

Sex – Wicked pleasurable activity indulged in by most and therefore must be made as guilt ridden and loathsome as possible. See Fucking.

Shrub – A smaller, more insignificant Bush.

Special Interests – Everybody except the rich and powerful, i.e.., 95-99% of the population.

Terrorist – Someone who murders, mains and devastates without scruple, who is not on our side.

Zombie – Master of Doublespeak. Those who think in a box the size a pin. See Orthodox and Fundamentalist.

1. A copy can be found Here. The Devil’s Dictionary and other works by Ambrose Bierce can also be found Here.

2. Adams, Douglas, Del Rey, New York, 1995.

Pierre Cloutier

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